An exhausting day

Update: I'm bleeding. I don't know if it was the exam or the two pills I've taken but I'm seriously freaked out. :<

HUGE shoutout to Yasue who spent .. four hours? with me! Also a lady from the ward came for the whole time we were at the hospital. My older sister's the best!

Insect count: I killed another mosquito and there's another one flying around

T5B: 1) Yasue went with me to the hospital and to work to explain to the office what was going on. 2) The office is working with me as far as getting days off to go take care of this stuff. 3) I got the materials for what I'm teaching tomorrow and think I can throw something together quickly and be ready for tomorrow morning. 4) I was able to get some pictures of stuff at the hospital to show you all. 5) I have an MRI scheduled for next week (this is actually terrifying for me - but you'll see below why I consider it a blessing).

basal temp: 36.48

Today started with me waking too early (as usual) then getting ready too slowly :/ (also as usual). So I tried hard but wasn't quite ready by the time Yasue showed up. Dang it! She was nice about it though. She'd ridden her bike over so we both biked down to the hospital. We were there about 815 and got right in line. The following takes place over the space of three hours: We waited for a long time and then finally it was my turn to talk to the doctor - they said they'd be doing an ultrasound and I was hoping against hope it wasn't an internal one again. Nope. Internal. SUPER painful - but much more bearable with Yasue there. At least someone was with me and she could tell me what the doctor was saying. Then we met with the doctor again. Now the doctor at Nishijima did the same internal ultrasound. He told me he found NO CYSTS. Well, the doctor today stopped counting at EIGHT. I seriously doubt that more than eight cysts have sprung up in the space of 2.5 weeks! And that was only on one ovary. So one of my ovaries is a little cysts harborer - a cyst farmer! The other one, clean. He walked me through PCOS and said it was pain free. Nadia told me that her doctor thinks she has PCOS and that it's painful. (When the cysts burst maybe?) He said my pain is from endometriosis and, in classic doctor style, but we don't know if you have that. STEP BACK. I walked in TELLING you I had it. I have it. If I had the pictures from my previous surgery I could prove without a doubt that I had it. Don't give me that BS! I was SO frustrated. Then he comes out with his plan - the four steps we're going to try. 1) the meds the nishijima doc gave me. It turns out they're non addictive (he never said a word about that), AND they're a treatment not just a pain medication. WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME THAT!? 2) Some five letters that meant they would suppress my body's ability to produce estrogen and progesterone and simulate menopause. It would also make my period go away for 6 months. I could HEAR, in my mind, my mom saying, "No, no, no. We're NOT doing that." And she's right. I was given the depo shot (I had no idea that's what it was or I wouldn't have done it) and it made me gain 50 lbs in 3 months and made me so sick. Not only that, it has really bad side effects - sterility and such. I asked about the long term effects and said that I didn't understand how tricking my body into thinking it was menopausal could be good for me. AT ALL. To me that sounded like, "Oh your arm is broken? We'll hack it off for now and reattach it later. Maybe that will solve the problem." "Uh .. WHAT!?" 3) BC (I noped outta that option too). 4) Surgery. He said "Do not recommend." I burst into tears. I could take medication, or medication, or MORE medication or if all those medicines didn't kill me, THEN surgery. As I sat there crying Yasue argued with the doctor. I told her I was willing to try number one but I refused to do number 2 or number 3. I told her this is what happened to me in the US. They had me on all kinds of pills and alternate treatments until they FINALLY did the surgery and "Oops. It was REALLY bad because we didn't take care of it sooner." The doctor said my uterus wasn't thick yet (I guess they wait for a large build up before they do anything), but the fact is, when I had my other surgery, they found it EVERYWHERE. So a small layer doesn't mean less to me. It means it just hasn't camped on my uterus. Although at the same time I felt this descending dread. Yasue got the doctor to agree to do an MRI (to check if they should do surgery/if it was appropriate but I don't understand what an MRI will show) but then I felt like, "Wait! No! I changed my mind!" I want to feel better. I want to feel better so badly I can taste it. I just don't know which path I'm supposed to take. All I can do is look at my past and see a LONG series of pills that did nothing but make me worse and I don't want to do that again. But maybe I'm closing the door on some miracle. I was so distraught I emailed my parents' phones right away and asked them to pray for me and for advice. I feel like I've been painted into a corner. I've spent $400 already and have an MRI scheduled then a return visit for test results... and still no answers except that my ... now I can't remember if it's right or left .. ovary is a cyst-lover!

After those visits, they had blood drawn at the opposite end of the hospital. I didn't watch the needle or the blood. I saw the nurse giving me a look like, "What is she doing??" And I said, "Kowai!" (Scary!) She laughed and told me that my eyes were beautiful. :) I don't know if she meant my eye color or the way I had done them with makeup, either way it was a bright spot. Other bright spots: Yasue. I can't think of a way to thank her. She's done SO much for me. I'm SO SO grateful to her. The lady from the ward was nice to have there too. I practiced some of my Japanese on her and she gave us each a candy. :) In any case, after all of THAT. I had to wait TO PAY. Social medicine is a JOKE. My scheduled MRI isn't even an appointment. If I wanted an appointment, it would be in November. I am showing up one day where they may potentially have gaps between patients and hoping to squeeze in. I will be at the hospital for an indefinite amount of time waiting to do that next Wednesday. Anyway, as we go to pay, LINE. Just like everything else with social medicine. I get a number and I'm 611 and they're currently on 535. Really Japan? I wanted to go home and sob but no. The ladies waited with me, God bless them forever for being with me at the hospital half the day, and luckily it wasn't too long a wait. It was about $90 and then we said goodbye to the other ward lady and Yasue and I went to the office.

The office was SUPER helpful. I'm putting them all kind of out (and I've NEVER taken a sick day before so I feel so useless and like such a huge burden) but they were really helpful. They called the school and talked to them about a good time to get the surgery if it comes to that. They talked to them about next week and the week after. They also said if they needed to, I could do a half day and they would pick me up and take me to the hospital. I'm so overwhelmed by how helpful all these women have been. I hate being a burden on anyone. I just wanted my mom to be with me. I knew that she would go to bat for me and back me up. With just me telling the doctor my reaction to certain medications, it's only my word. If someone else is there saying, "No, she seriously locked herself in her room and refused to come out. She disappeared. She cried and screamed at the drop of a hat. NO BIRTH CONTROL OF ANY SORT!" Then it's out of the mouth of two or three witnesses. So I went from having hope to feeling hopeless again. So I'm taking the pills I was given before - three a day, EVERYDAY - and then the MRI next week. If the pills work (and I have NO idea how 21 doses of an NSAID is going to clear up endometriosis), I'm going to cancel my MRI. People listen: I just need to sleep. I need to be able to THINK. I need to NOT vomit. I need to be able to EAT. I need to be able to contain my emotions. I need to be able to find happiness in the small things. I need to go a day without crying about the pain and the hopelessness I feel. I don't understand this. I don't understand my life.

When Angèle texted me about a girl who was raped, I said, "Give that girl my email. Tell her I'm willing to talk to her any time." THAT to me is the reason I went through that. When Jerod and I split up, I reached out to SEVERAL friends who had also gone through divorce. I gave them all an out, "If it's too painful to talk about, let me know." I never got a reply from anyone. I deleted those people from my facebook friends and tried to move on. Wait, I take that back. My cousin Jenelle talked to me. I will love her forever for her willingness to talk to me. At some point we had a break down in communication and haven't gotten along for a LONG time but she was there to answer all my questions and it HELPED. I wish there was someone out there to guide me through this. I don't know who to ask for help because it feels like the heavens are shut. I don't know what to do. I hope someone clues me in at some point. :/

At the moment I'm in pain and tears (took one pill so far - and oh! The lady from the ward gave me a little doTerra essential oils for PMS/uterine pain and I used that) - hopefully I will feel better soon. Sorry if I've been too depressing. I'm not trying to be. Your prayers would be VERY much appreciated. (The rest of my day is crying and writing in bed so I'll skip a description of that.) Love you all! XOXO, A

Oh wait! One other high point: when Yasue was helping me with my intake form she asked my weight. I guessed (I haven't been weighed since I got here and I only know loosely around what I am) and she said, "What!? Really? You can't weigh that much!" :D Big bones, heavy muscle tissue. Not sure if that translated. LOL

A look at a foreign hospital - this is the ob-gyn office

Nightmare-inducing images! - Did you see it says, "Megujoy" in the upper right hand corner? Who are they trying to fool!?

The nightmare itself

The essential oil the lady in the ward gave to me :) - along with instructions and information in Japanese, lol