T5B: 1) My place is finally completely clean. 2) My bathroom is SPARKLING. 3) I was able to stay in today (it was very hot out). 4) I got to play some games today. 5) I got 8 hours of sleep last night.
Last night, when I went to bed, I took two Tylenol PM and two primrose capsules. It was perfect. I only woke up when I needed to turn over (as I always do), I only remember one weird dream, and though I chewed on my cheeks I stayed asleep throughout it. (LOL - but I seriously needed sleep!) When I got up this morning, I made myself some sausage and eggs for breakfast. I had originally planned on going grocery shopping (and to the bank for the money to do that) today. However, as soon as I finished cleaning the bathroom I was DRENCHED in sweat. I then quickly did the dishes, mopped my kitchen floor, and hopped in the shower. Even after my cool (cold) shower, I still felt overheated so I decided to get up early tomorrow morning and go then. In the meantime, I turned on my dehumifier and finished Sherlock. (The new BBC one - and though I love the Jeremy Brett ones, this series was very well done. I'm sad that it only has 6 episodes.) Also throughout the day I ate, played some games on my phone, talked to my bffs, and just took it easy. I also fed Donut ~ that's pretty much the first thing I do everyday. He's so great. He just swims around but I like to think that he's happy and I crack up when I see him sitting on his plant leaves. :) He's a fantastic fish. Tara said her Beta (Jack) lived for 2-3 years. :/ I will have to leave him behind which makes me very sad. By the time I leave we'll have been besties for 9 months.
This afternoon was a pretty thoughtful one for me. I thought about my future and right now it's all up in the air. There are so many things I would like to do (get a masters and doctorate, take automotive tech classes, go to culinary school, serve 13 missions) but I'm just not sure where I'm headed. It's frustrating not to know what the Lord has planned for me. He hasn't even told me yet if this is my only year in Japan. Sometimes I hope that it is, I REALLY REALLY hope that. Then other days I find myself planning for a second year here and wishing that would be the case. Of both choices, I am leaning towards going home which makes me feel like I will have to stay. In reflection it feels like I have tried to make the best decisions, been led other ways in which I expected more happiness would be found but find myself unhappy fairly often. Well, that's not really the case. What I've learned about myself is that I thrive in a setting where I am with family. When I have to be out on my own, I feel cut off and alone. I can have fun, and I have made a few friends here, but I don't rely on them like I rely on my family. I feel badly. Limor has told me I can call her anytime I need, but when something goes wrong, I email, I message, I skype my friends and family at home. My heart is rooted in the US and it's really hard to be so far away. That's why I have sorrowed over and over that Jerod didn't come with me. He was supposed to be my family, my roots here. When I think of another year I can't help but wonder how I will survive it. I feel starved, absolutely starved, for familial love. I know they love me. They write to me, they message, they email. But it's different than having someone hug you and sit next to you and be physically present. Somedays it feels like I'll never see my family again. I feel so isolated and cut off from them. My sister had a baby in June and I haven't met her. I have to rely on her putting pictures on fb (and since she's the second child there haven't been nearly as many as when her first was born), and the pictures family send me from their phones. I've never lived a life so completely separate from family and it doesn't agree with me. I think of funny things and I turn to share them with someone and there's only Donut. I talk to him, but he has no hugs to give me, no words. It's been almost 5 months since I came to Japan and I'm still not used to being so far. I'm not sure I ever will be. So I'm looking at another 7 months of ... this. I love my students, I love teaching, but the weekends alone are so hard. I don't know if it all balances out. I wish there was just a way to stop feeling sad. And a way to stop getting sick so often. And a way to just be happy. I look for the little things, I try to notice my blessings. I then can't help but realize I have no one with whom to share them. I feel abandoned. *sigh* Sorry. I needed to get that out. I hope it changes soon. Because right now those 7 months are stretching ahead of me like an eternity. Love to you all! XOXO, A
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| And for the humorous aspect of today, I present a "large" glove. If you've seen my hands in person, you know I have big hands. I inherited large hands from both sides of the family. However, though these large gloves were a little loose on me, they did not fit my fingers! I was cracking up looking at my hands in them. The webbing should reach further down. |
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