This is dark

Yes, I mean that - but I will list my blessings first: 1) Today is almost over. 2) This week is almost over. 3) I had a good dinner. 4) I fell asleep right away last night (sleep deprived). 5) My heater works.

basal temp: 36.53

Funny story I forgot from yesterday: I was doing charades for my class to practice infinitives. One verb was dance. I did a little hip hop and they didn't know the word. So I moved to the back of the room where there was more space and did a little Cha Cha. The boys started cat calling and a few started yelling out "Beyoncé!" Unexpected and it made me blush!

Morning:
- sort of a rude awakening, forgot to set my sleep monitor last night and I guess it DOES help
1st&2nd - cried in the female teacher's locker room
3rd - taught a class, went very well (MMM! - 2.6)
4th - correcting worksheets, created a new worksheet for next week

Notes: I'm SO glad 2.6 worked with me today. I was EXTREMELY nervous about 1.6 yesterday and 2.6 today and both classes were champs. It still took about 5 minutes (of the 45 minute class period) before the overwhelming urge to burst into tears subsided. I was worried they would give me grief and the flood gates would open again.

Afternoon:
- lunch was .. ok
5th - taught a class, went very well (1.2)
6th - taught a class, went VERY well (1.3)
- corrected worksheets

Notes: 1.3 was fun today. We got there early (Hashimoto-s and I) so I was chatting with the students. I called a few by name which caused nearly everyone to ask if I knew their name. (Out of that class, I knew four - out of forty!) I now know more names and they were so genki since they saw I'm trying. :) Their faces when I knew their names... priceless. Also my best student of the first graders (who is in the class), K, spelled Mr. Hashimoto (Hashimoro)'s name wrong. Very funny. He was berating the other students then found out he was wrong. He took it like a champ though. Very nice kid. Very bright. :)

Evening:
- ran errands
- cleaned my place a little
- Limor called and spoke to me for more than 2.5 hours
- read for a few minutes

Notes: Ok, here is the dark:

Over the past 7 months, I have been called "b*tch," "f***wit," "a**hole," "swine," "c**t," and "ingrate." All these names have come from family and friends (more than 5 people - and please no guesses or assumptions. I chose not to include names and I wish to continue not to include names). I am REALLY starting to evaluate what to do about this. I want to be clear, I don't find it acceptable EVER to call someone a name. I am guilty of having called someone a name recently and apologized profusely for it. I was terribly ashamed and that is a name I can't take back. I have all these wounds, these little cuts and jabs from the names and unsavory adjectives that have been used on me. I don't want that anymore. I have been called a swine twice in my lifetime now. The first time was 15 YEARS AGO. Yes, that memory is still with me. If you want to tell yourself, "Ann is SO sensitive." Go ahead and tell yourself that and please refrain from talking to me. I really do believe in the "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." (Perhaps I am crossing that very line, but I have been thinking about this for a few weeks and I need to get this off my chest.) I can think of no time in which name calling has helped a situation. Those are words you can NEVER take back. And I don't know about others, but I can't help but think, "Now I REALLY know what they think of me." Nothing good comes of speaking in a vituperative manner. No respect, no love, no caring is shown. And if you are a family member or friend of mine, then I love you. That means that your words carry weight with me. So PLEASE evaluate them before you say them. If you think I am fat, please keep it to yourself. It took me most of my life to stop believing that about myself and I BEG you not to undo that hard work. I can only assume it's human but perhaps it's just Ann to start to believe what people are constantly calling you. I have no desire to believe negative things about myself. EVER. EVER. EVER. (Have I said that enough?) I don't think I can emphasize the kind of heartbreak I feel when a loved one says to me, "You know what would help you lose weight!? ..." I am happy with myself. Please don't try to make me unhappy with myself. "You're such a b*tch!" If you feel that way, why are we friends? If you feel comfortable saying such things to me, things that I consider cruel, then I am asking you now to stop. FOREVER and COMPLETELY. I see no reason to be treated poorly. I will not treat you poorly and I expect you to do me the same favor. If we cannot do that for one another, then what are we doing but tearing down and destroying one another? I read scriptures in that locker room. I said prayers. Those verbal wounds are still deeply etched inside me. I will continue to seek heavenly relief. In the meantime, if you add to those wounds, I CANNOT talk to you. I am sleep deprived. I have had cramps since July 28, less August 21, I am on my SECOND period in two weeks, and I am recovering from a cold so bad I had to have an IV. I LITERALLY cannot handle it. Not only that, I don't believe I should have to do so. There is no situation I can imagine where calling names helps. NONE. If you love me, then use those powerful words (fueled with my love of you) to build me up. Now to find a way to say this to those people... (since they don't read my blog). Thank you for listening. And please, PLEASE if you love someone, use only kind and uplifting words with them. If you can't use them, keep your mouth shut until you can. Ask the Lord to help you hold your tongue. It's WORTH IT. I promise.

My love to you all, XOXO, A