Sunday

Today was pretty good. My bike ride to the church was lovely. I felt fairly isolated at church though. I know a lot of that is my perception and my fault, but at the same time it's so hard to connect with people when you don't understand what they're saying. I tried to be still and just feel the Spirit... it was just hard. Today in relief society we covered lesson 9 (the one about families). It's what made yesterday so hard. It's so difficult for me not to play "what if" and "what might have been." Plus my family is so far away from me now. They have such a a large portion of my prayers and heart.

After church I skyped my family and it was so good to talk to them. I got to talk to Maman, Nod, Papa, Ang, Josh, and Adri. Then I pedaled home to cook my lunches for this week and to clean up a little before my home teachers came over.

I was very glad to see my home teachers when they were here but it was a slightly painful meeting. With the constant stopping for translation and checking of dictionaries the "short" message turned into an hour long one and it was very garbled for me. I only have a vague idea of what the message was about and it was pretty ... the points didn't connect to one another and I just didn't understand it that well. Then I felt badly because the English speaking elder (Elder Noruwong from WA) just talked to me and his companion and Brother Shuwa just sort of stared at the walls. I'm sure that often it's Elder Noruwong who is left out but I still felt badly that I couldn't speak enough Japanese to share my information and stories so that everyone could understand. I just felt dismayed and a little uncomfortable. (I think Elder Noruwong is as starved for hearing English as I am!) Then they had to leave because Brother Shuwa needed to go home.

After they left I finished a book I have meant to read for years as a dear friend of mine (Shannon Borcherds) recommended it to me when we were young. That's right...I broke down and read Anne of Green Gables. I thought I would cry if anyone died and I did! It was a good read. :)

I hope to find tomorrow busy enough that I won't despair or have time to feel sorry for myself. I long so much to be held and hugged and told everything will be alright. It's weird. Here I am, living in Japan ALONE, paying all my bills ALONE and it somehow feels as if I'm less of an adult than when I was married. It feels like I'm not really making it somehow. I guess it's just that feeling of a stalled eternal progression. It's still so deeply painful and it's been almost a year now (less than 2 months shy of a year). It was so much easier to think of someone else and to have opportunities to serve when I had a husband. :/ Now every dish I wash is only in my behalf, every floor I sweep, every meal I cook, etc. When Elder Noruwong asked if there was anything they could do for me I said, "Yes! Please find me a friend who speaks English and is LDS. .. Or who speaks French!" They laughed at me, but I would dearly love to be able to talk about the gospel in English and to have someone come and sit with me and be a physical and spiritual presence in my apartment. :/ In the meantime, I will continue to pray for someone(s) to serve and for hope. I hope you are all fabulously well and that YOU (Maman and Papa) feel better soon (my mom is sick and both my parents have pain in their back right now). Also I don't know if she reads my blog, but I'm praying for you too Momma (Teresa). Please feel free to join your prayers to mine as her health is poor right now. My love and prayers for you all. XOXO, A